Mushroom Men
by Lyra the BadWolf
Summary: And other things that only happen on MSN.A MSN conversation between Zaphod and Ford about why Arthur wont answer their messages.Crack!fic,just for fun.


_**This is a conversation that would only happen on MSN...and probably only to me. This conversation took place for real between me and my friend Sophie about why our friend Alison wouldn't reply to our messages. She's Zaphod, I'm Ford and Alison is Arthur. I changed it to fit this fandom...but not much, worryingly. **_

_**This is a Crack!fic so please forgive any OOCness. I'm not sure where it's set, maybe after the first book. It doesn't matter, it's not meant to make sense.**_

_**Please read, review and enjoy!**_

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_Ford Prefect has signed in._

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Ford Prefect says:

Arthur, are you there?

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Ford Prefect says:

Arthur? You bastard, talk to me!

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Ford Prefect says:

Arthur? Are you being eaten by Mushroom Men?

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Ford Prefect says:

If so, try to bite their ear flaps. This will incapacitate them.

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Zaphod-for-God has signed in.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Hey Ford! What's up?

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Ford Prefect says:

I think Arthur's being eaten by Mushroom Men.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Really? Too bad. Hey, come on there Earthman, you can fight them.

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Ford Prefect says:

Their greatest weakness is carrots. They are deadly afraid of them. Do you have any carrots on your person or in the vicinity?

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Carrots are those orange things, right?

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Ford Prefect says:

Yeah.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

And they're round?

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Ford Prefect says:

No, those are 'oranges'.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Yeah, I just said that. They're orange.

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Ford Prefect says:

No, you're thinking of 'oranges'. They're an earth fruit. Carrots are long and kind of pointy; you can get them throughout the universe.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Is there a difference?

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Ford Prefect says:

…..

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Ford Prefect says:

Arthur, if you are still alive, tell the Mushroom Men 'alpha, beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, iota, kappa, lambda, mu, nu, xi, omicron, pi, rho, sigma, tau, upsilon, phi, chi, psi, omega.'

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Zaphod-for-God says:

What does that mean?

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Ford Prefect says:

It's the Greek alphabet.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Are they afraid of Greek too?

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Ford Prefect says:

No. Most Mushroom Men don't speak Greek. They are not allowed attend langue classes under paragraph 12 of the Contact Treaty. Any Greek they did have they probably would have learned from bad 80's collage movies.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Are there any GOOD 80's collage movies?

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Ford Prefect says:

…..

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Zaphod-for-God says:

LOL

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Ford Prefect says:

Mushroom Men have no noses.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

How do they smell?

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Ford Prefect says:

Terrible. They smell through their armpits. That's why their faces are always scrunched up like that. Mushroom Men have the stinkiest sweat in the universe and they can't use anti-perspirent because the need to sweat to live.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Bummer.

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Ford Prefect says:

Yeah. That's why they carry those big packs on their backs. They're heaters to keep them constantly sweating. All Mushroom Men are virgins, because who'd want to do them. Mushroom Women sweat doesn't stink and they can do better.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Man, where are you getting this stuff?

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Ford Prefect says:

Nowhere. It's just coming out of my brain.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

If I were you buddy, I'd be worried. If I got worried, which I don't. But I'd be you, so I would.

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Ford Prefect says:

Yeah…

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Zaphod-for-God says:

So was any of that true?

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Ford Prefect says:

I hope not.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Those Mushroom Women sound hot.

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Ford Prefect says:

…..

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Ford Prefect says:

Arthur, if you're still being eaten by creatures that may or may not be real, good luck. I hope you're still alive. If not, my sympathies.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Oh yeah, good luck Earthman. Hey, vote for me for God!

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Ford Prefect says:

You're running for…God?

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Yeah. Didn't you hear? The last one had to step down after the Oolon Colluphid thing?

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Ford Prefect says:

Well good luck with that, you've got my vote.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Thanks, cuiz.

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Ford Prefect says:

I think I'm going to turn that Mushroom Man thing into an article for the Guide. I haven't handed in anything in 3 years…

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Good luck with that.

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Ford Prefect says:

Stop saying 'Good Luck'.

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Zaphod-for-God says:

Okay then. Later, Ford. I've got campaigning to do.

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Zaphod-for-God has signed out.

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Ford Prefect says:

See you.

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Ford Prefect has signed out.

The-Last-Human has signed in.

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The-Last-Human says:

Hello?

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The-Last-Human says:

It's Arthur. Is anyone there?

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The-Last-Human says:

God damn it! Why is there never anyone else on when I am?!

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The-Last-Human has signed out.

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**Yes, I know, I'm totally psycho. Since I'm in such a fragile mental state you really should review. If you don't I might go on a rampaige and kill all my favourite fictional characters. Or worse still...write Jack/Gwen fics! Aaaaagggggghhhh!! Please don't make me do it. Review and save me from this awful fate.**


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